There would be plenty of content to mine here. You know, like trivia on which is not real and stuff like that, but I’m just going to go through the 1500+ cards, which I feel is quite enough.

[EDIT] Apparently there are now some kind of limits to how many images I can load from Scryfall. I tried to change the images to links, but apparently that isn’t helping either. I’ll try to come up with something reasonable later on. For now, the only actual fix I could think to come up with was just taking out the links and leaving the names of the cards, which is boring, but what can you do? (For the record, I’m not blaming Scryfall. They must have had their reasons for doing this and broadband is more expensive than many people realize.)

The actual number is 1602 with this search on Scryfall:

“, ” t=legendary (t=creature or t=planeswalker) -set=afr -set=clb -is:ub -is:playtest -is:alchemy -is:unset

So, I required the name to have a comma and the type to be legendary as well as creature or planeswalker. After that I cut out both D&D sets, Universes Beyond cards, playtest cards, alchemy cards and unset cards. Still, there’s plenty that got through the sieve because of various reprints and special versions. I don’t know if I cut out some Universes Within stuff, but I can’t be bothered to find out. The card pool is such a mess these days.

Anyhow, these are all canonical characters from within the Magic multiverse. There’s a lot of unimaginative ones that just tell you very basic things about the character (King of Skemfar, Captain of the Guard and so forth), but then there’s the ones where they just couldn’t be bothered. It seems like Planeswalker decks are a prime source for these, because no one apparently cared enough to think about these.

Here’s some ground rules: The cringy ones just need to make me cringe. They are often failed puns, but they are often just lazy or something that just doesn’t feel right. Like, who would call someone this?

For the best epithets I want something cool and something that actually fits the character. Both of these are highly subjective, so if I shit on your favorite character, just know that I am really aiming at you.

I’ll start with the cringiest.

I left out Kellan, because he is just cringe in general. The epithets are therefore kind of fitting, but mostly for making it clear how much of an afterthought he was as a character.

Ajani, Adversary of Tyrants

This was from a Core Set, so there just needed to be a planeswalker from each color as they always used to do. The theme of that set was Bolas’ past. So, you could argue that the Tyrant is Bolas, but why is it plural? Is Ajani the enemy of all the 17 or so legendary creatures that have the word ‘Tyrant’ in their epithet, many of which are actually animals? Also, can you go more generic? Isn’t every good guy supposed to go against tyrants? So, the thing that is supposed to show how special Ajani is, is actually just there to make him very generic. In similar lazy vein: Chandra, Bold Pyromancer, Elspeth, Undaunted Hero, Gideon, Martial Paragon

Angrath, Captain of Chaos

So, chaos is organized enough to have a command structure?

Annie Flash, the Veteran

The whole gang in OTJ is badly named, but maybe someone should have watched a few more heist movies to come up with a real role for her, so they don’t have to embarrass themselves.

Ashiok, Wicked Manipulator

I guess Magnificent Bastard didn’t get through the censors at WotC?

Calamity, Galloping Inferno

Galloping is just inherently funny word, because of the sounds in it. Feels more like a parody of Magic card. But I guess they mostly are these days.

Charix, the Raging Isle

How many big sea creatures are there in Magic that are mistaken for islands? Many. However, how would you mistake a sea creature for an island, if it’s raging? Islands in general are quite immobile.

Domri, Anarch of Bolas

This doesn’t work in either way we use the word ‘anarch’. Anarchy is all about taking down hierarchies, so how can you be an anarch to someone? Are they trying to be stupid on purpose?

Francisco, Fowl Marauder

I bet someone just had the epithet first and the card was made because they thought it was funny. Please keep this shit to the Un-sets where it belongs (outside of the scope of people with actual sense of humor).

Geth, Thane of Contracts

Thane is a warrior title. So, he is fighting for contracts? What is this title supposed to be? You can actually just google things to check so you don’t have to be a fucking moron.

Loot, the Key to Everything

Was kicking out a big number of people from WotC just before Christmas a good decision? No. But if you look at the name of this card, you also know there’s people working there who shouldn’t. Why not Loot, the Plot Device?

Muerra, Trash Tactician

This let’s you play cards from the top of your library. So I guess WotC believes your deck is trash.

Nymris, Oona’s Trickster

Oona is the queen of the fae. Are not all of her people tricksters?

Selvala, Explorer Returned

Is returning from exploration so rare that you actually get en epithet for doing that? They must be doing it wrong.

Graaz, Unstoppable Juggernaut

So, what’s the difference between unstoppable and being a juggernaut?

Gyruda, Doom of Depths

Are the depths doomed or in risk of being doomed, because Gyruda is there?

Both worlds

In some cases, the cards would be bad if it wasn’t for the context.

Anje, Maid of Dishonor

The wordplay here is so bad that it definitely is cringe-y, but I do see a glimpse of (probably accidental) genius here. This is a dad joke. Anje is known as the problem child within the Falkenrath family, even though she is quite old and definitely not a child anymore. Still, that epithet is just the kind of joke you can imagine people making behind her back. “Oh, she’s the maid of honor?” “More like maid of dishonor.” And then some self-congratulatory laughs.

Anowon, the Ruin Thief

On it’s own this is very cringe. What does that mean? Is he stealing ruins? However, in context, this is very good and a nice way to world-build. Anowon used to be the Ruin Sage, but now, after the Eldrazi invasion, he has lost his status and been forced into thievery, although he does still clearly hold a leadership position among his people, even if his people are no longer vampires, but rogues instead.

Aphemia, the Cacophony

This would be in the ‘best’ class if it wasn’t for this piece of information:

She sings a mystical song to enthrall the undead inhabitants of the necropolis, manipulating them like puppets to assist her in raids against the living.

How can her song be cacophonous, if it’s enthralling?

Kolaghan, the Storm’s Fury

I don’t like this, because storms are supposed to be a blue-red thing. So, how does a black-red card get on into the action. I love this, because I love Mother Kolaghan. She can do as she pleases and who am I to critique her? Even though as someone who can’t speak, she has never used that epithet herself.

Best

Note: Sometimes some epithets are good because they belong to a cycle. Like there’s series’ of Aspects, Firsts and Stars (among other things) in the original Kamigawa and they work, because they form a whole. I left those out, but I just wanted to let you know I didn’t miss them. Have some faith in me. You don’t have to have much, but just a little.

Alesha, Who Smiles at Death

While you can argue that self-destructive fearlessness is no longer cool, this is a nicely constructed epithet.

Animatou, the Fateshifter

I hate the card, but the epithet is cool. Although I do think it’s a little less cool after finding out that apparently she is not the only fateshifter, but that is a form of magic on her homeplane.

Archangel Avacyn

Again, context. I’m actually talking about the other side of this card, Avacyn, the Purifier, but as far as I know, I can’t force the plugin to show the backside, so if you need to see it, you can click on the image above. Anyhow, it’s the version of Avacyn that went mad and started to “purify” Innistrad.

Adeliz, the Cinder Wind

Again, the context. She will often be accompanied by a bunch of burn.

Ashiok, Nightmare Muse

Inspiring nightmares… that has to be fun. Especially considering that on Theros, where this card was featured, nightmares can be very real.

Clavileño, First of the BlessedElenda, the Dusk Rose

I like the Legion of Dusk names in general, but these two work the best for me. First of the Blessed sound a lot like Emperor Augustus’s proclamations that everyone is equal, but he just happens to be a little more equal than anyone else. The Dusk Rose is just a nice dichotomy. Both of the words are a nice mix of something safe and dangerous in themselves. The only bad thing about it is that i makes Kiku, Nights Flower look like a draft version of the name (even if it works better for that character). I also left out Marchesa, the Black Rose because of similar reasons.

Judith, the Scourge Diva

I just find it funny that the Rakdos Cult can produce a diva.

Krark, the Thumbless

They are not nearly as funny as they think they are WotC, but this works… because if you don’t know, there are two cards representing Krark’s thumbs.

Kroxa, Titan of Death’s Hunger

While Nature’s Wrath and Fire’s Fury feel like things we see all the time in Magic, Death’s Hunger feels more novel, but also very apt, because you can see Death as something that is never satisfied and thus a terror of cosmic nature. Of course, there actually exists a Death on this plane in the form of Erebos, who’s form is that of a malnourished person…

Kruphix, God of Horizons

Of all the gods in the game (and there are many), this is most evocative as horizon as a concept is mysterious and unattainable.

Lagrella, the Magpie

She collects nice things. Like creatures. Since she is from New Capenna, this is a fun gangster nickname for someone.

Nin, the Pain Artist

Kind of the nose by today’s standards, but still works. She will make you suffer, but it is going to be worth it. Maybe not for you, but for someone. It’s also a horror trope that pain can lead you to some kind of a epiphany (from Hellraiser, Saw, for example) and this is a nice way to do that.

Seizan, Perverter of Truth

Does this work in context of what the card does? Maybe. I would say so. You are seeing more of the truth, but you are suffering for it. In that sense this is a nice companion to the previous one.