There would be plenty of content to mine here. You know, like trivia on which is not real and stuff like that, but I’m just going to go through the 1500+ cards, which I feel is quite enough.

The actual number is 1602 with this search on Scryfall:

“, ” t=legendary (t=creature or t=planeswalker) -set=afr -set=clb -is:ub -is:playtest -is:alchemy -is:unset

So, I required the name to have a comma and the type to be legendary as well as creature or planeswalker. After that I cut out both D&D sets, Universes Beyond cards, playtest cards, alchemy cards and unset cards. Still, there’s plenty that got through the sieve because of various reprints and special versions. I don’t know if I cut out some Universes Within stuff, but I can’t be bothered to find out. The card pool is such a mess these days.

Anyhow, these are all canonical characters from within the Magic multiverse. There’s a lot of unimaginative ones that just tell you very basic things about the character (King of Skemfar, Captain of the Guard and so forth), but then there’s the ones where they just couldn’t be bothered. It seems like Planeswalker decks are a prime source for these, because no one apparently cared enough to think about these.

Here’s some ground rules: The cringy ones just need to make me cringe. They are often failed puns, but they are often just lazy or something that just doesn’t feel right. Like, who would call someone this?

For the best epithets I want something cool and something that actually fits the character. Both of these are highly subjective, so if I shit on your favorite character, just know that I am really aiming at you.

I’ll start with the cringiest.

I left out Kellan, because he is just cringe in general. The epithets are therefore kind of fitting, but mostly for making it clear how much of an afterthought he was as a character.

This was from a Core Set, so there just needed to be a planeswalker from each color as they always used to do. The theme of that set was Bolas’ past. So, you could argue that the Tyrant is Bolas, but why is it plural? Is Ajani the enemy of all the 17 or so legendary creatures that have the word ‘Tyrant’ in their epithet, many of which are actually animals? Also, can you go more generic? Isn’t every good guy supposed to go against tyrants? So, the thing that is supposed to show how special Ajani is, is actually just there to make him very generic. In similar lazy vein: Chandra, Bold Pyromancer, Elspeth, Undaunted Hero, Gideon, Martial Paragon

So, chaos is organized enough to have a command structure?

The whole gang in OTJ is badly named, but maybe someone should have watched a few more heist movies to come up with a real role for her, so they don’t have to embarrass themselves.

I guess Magnificent Bastard didn’t get through the censors at WotC?

Galloping is just inherently funny word, because of the sounds in it. Feels more like a parody of Magic card. But I guess they mostly are these days.

How many big sea creatures are there in Magic that are mistaken for islands? Many. However, how would you mistake a sea creature for an island, if it’s raging? Islands in general are quite immobile.

This doesn’t work in either way we use the word ‘anarch’. Anarchy is all about taking down hierarchies, so how can you be an anarch to someone? Are they trying to be stupid on purpose?

I bet someone just had the epithet first and the card was made because they thought it was funny. Please keep this shit to the Un-sets where it belongs (outside of the scope of people with actual sense of humor).

Thane is a warrior title. So, he is fighting for contracts? What is this title supposed to be? You can actually just google things to check so you don’t have to be a fucking moron.

Was kicking out a big number of people from WotC just before Christmas a good decision? No. But if you look at the name of this card, you also know there’s people working there who shouldn’t. Why not Loot, the Plot Device?

This let’s you play cards from the top of your library. So I guess WotC believes your deck is trash.

Oona is the queen of the fae. Are not all of her people tricksters?

Is returning from exploration so rare that you actually get en epithet for doing that? They must be doing it wrong.

So, what’s the difference between unstoppable and being a juggernaut?

Are the depths doomed or in risk of being doomed, because Gyruda is there?

Both worlds

In some cases, the cards would be bad if it wasn’t for the context.

The wordplay here is so bad that it definitely is cringe-y, but I do see a glimpse of (probably accidental) genius here. This is a dad joke. Anje is known as the problem child within the Falkenrath family, even though she is quite old and definitely not a child anymore. Still, that epithet is just the kind of joke you can imagine people making behind her back. “Oh, she’s the maid of honor?” “More like maid of dishonor.” And then some self-congratulatory laughs.

On it’s own this is very cringe. What does that mean? Is he stealing ruins? However, in context, this is very good and a nice way to world-build. Anowon used to be the Ruin Sage, but now, after the Eldrazi invasion, he has lost his status and been forced into thievery, although he does still clearly hold a leadership position among his people, even if his people are no longer vampires, but rogues instead.

This would be in the ‘best’ class if it wasn’t for this piece of information:

She sings a mystical song to enthrall the undead inhabitants of the necropolis, manipulating them like puppets to assist her in raids against the living.

How can her song be cacophonous, if it’s enthralling?

I don’t like this, because storms are supposed to be a blue-red thing. So, how does a black-red card get on into the action. I love this, because I love Mother Kolaghan. She can do as she pleases and who am I to critique her? Even though as someone who can’t speak, she has never used that epithet herself.

Best

Note: Sometimes some epithets are good because they belong to a cycle. Like there’s series’ of Aspects, Firsts and Stars (among other things) in the original Kamigawa and they work, because they form a whole. I left those out, but I just wanted to let you know I didn’t miss them. Have some faith in me. You don’t have to have much, but just a little.

While you can argue that self-destructive fearlessness is no longer cool, this is a nicely constructed epithet.

I hate the card, but the epithet is cool. Although I do think it’s a little less cool after finding out that apparently she is not the only fateshifter, but that is a form of magic on her homeplane.

Again, context. I’m actually talking about the other side of this card, Avacyn, the Purifier, but as far as I know, I can’t force the plugin to show the backside, so if you need to see it, you can click on the image above. Anyhow, it’s the version of Avacyn that went mad and started to “purify” Innistrad.

Again, the context. She will often be accompanied by a bunch of burn.

Inspiring nightmares… that has to be fun. Especially considering that on Theros, where this card was featured, nightmares can be very real.

I like the Legion of Dusk names in general, but these two work the best for me. First of the Blessed sound a lot like Emperor Augustus’s proclamations that everyone is equal, but he just happens to be a little more equal than anyone else. The Dusk Rose is just a nice dichotomy. Both of the words are a nice mix of something safe and dangerous in themselves. The only bad thing about it is that i makes Kiku, Night's Flower look like a draft version of the name (even if it works better for that character). I also left out Marchesa, the Black Rose because of similar reasons.

I just find it funny that the Rakdos Cult can produce a diva.

They are not nearly as funny as they think they are WotC, but this works… because if you don’t know, there are two cards representing Krark’s thumbs.

While Nature’s Wrath and Fire’s Fury feel like things we see all the time in Magic, Death’s Hunger feels more novel, but also very apt, because you can see Death as something that is never satisfied and thus a terror of cosmic nature. Of course, there actually exists a Death on this plane in the form of Erebos, who’s form is that of a malnourished person…

Of all the gods in the game (and there are many), this is most evocative as horizon as a concept is mysterious and unattainable.

She collects nice things. Like creatures. Since she is from New Capenna, this is a fun gangster nickname for someone.

Kind of the nose by today’s standards, but still works. She will make you suffer, but it is going to be worth it. Maybe not for you, but for someone. It’s also a horror trope that pain can lead you to some kind of a epiphany (from Hellraiser, Saw, for example) and this is a nice way to do that.

Does this work in context of what the card does? Maybe. I would say so. You are seeing more of the truth, but you are suffering for it. In that sense this is a nice companion to the previous one.